Many conflicts begin with a small irritation to become a huge blow-ups. This often happens because the mindset of "fighters". As the conflict builds and you begin the process of facing the problem, I found that you really only have two options. You can choose to prove that your perspective is right , or you can choose RESOLVE conflict.
A person who chooses to right :
R eally
I nsists on
G iving
H is (or her)
T houghts.
They focus on being heard, not to hearing. In contrast, a person who chooses RESOLVE conflict
R espects other person
E ngages in productive dialogue
S eeks to understand other people
O bserves carefully
L istens actively
V oices their concerns, and
E valuates possible solutions.
They are focused on understanding the other person first. As Stephen Covey says in the The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People , they "seek first to understand then to be understood ."
I'll illustrate with a story from my own experience.
My wife and I met while I served as a submarine officer in the U.S. Navy and worked as a teacher in Charleston, South Carolina. We got married and my naval commitment ended and my career began civilian. Three days after our wedding, we moved from South Carolina to New Jersey. We both felt the excitement and anticipation of our new life together.
In the process of moving the last pieces of clothing from my closet to the vehicle are driving in New Jersey, we hit the first major conflict of our married life. I wanted the clothes on the right side of the vehicle. She wanted them on the left. As we made AC travel out of the closet in the car, both of us rearranged items in the car every time we return to it. I put my washing machine on the right side. Then I moved everything from left to right in a neat stack. It is the same, except that everything is put on the left. As this process continues for three to four trips between the closets and cars, each of us becomes increasingly agitated. When we went into the apartment hallway, I think we actually glared at each other a bit. She thought I had lost my mind and I thought the same of her.
Finally, the bill came as we met up in a closet in the bedroom. There we stood, toe-to-toe and nose to nose, ready "to the outside." We needed to solve this problem, and we both thought that we were "right." At this point in the vicinity of the explosion, with the high emotions over this key issue in our lives together, I walked away to stop myself from yelling at my new wife. With about 30 or 45 seconds of separation, we both realized how truly ridiculous the situation has become. We decided to work on RESOLVE conflict has priority over any one of us right .
This experience - as silly as it sounds eighteen years later - the door open for a dialogue about what we both thought and felt in that moment of conflict. Our selection to find common ground in our perception kept the situation from spiraling completely out-of-control.
The same process occurs in work teams every day. One associate says or does something that irritates the other. supervisor forgets to inform people of schedule change. Or any number of other frustrations that happen when people work together. Each person formulates his perception of what happened, what the other person intended or thought, and how to "solve" the problem. Then the two parties participating in the "discussion" with both men defended their positions in an effort to right . As each tries to prove that right are, the conflict intensifies. often end with one or both parties are angry to the point that they withdraw from feelings of hopelessness and frustration. As both of them seek to "win" argument, they both lose.
itself, thinking resolution will not resolve all conflicts. Many other skills come into play. However, thinking we are approaching the other person plays a key role in this process. Great teammates, great leaders and great communicators make the choice to RESOLVE issues instead of insisting that right .
The next time you find yourself on the brink of conflict, I encourage you to RESOLVE conflict, but to insist on the right .
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